Another loss...

My dear friend Christen, lost her dad yesterday. He has been living with her.
She found him, in her home, in his bed....he passed away, completely unexpected.

I wish I could take her pain away. He was her best friend. The night before he had told her how proud he was of her, how content he was in life and how much he loved her.... There are alot of blessing we have talked about that surround his death. But right now she is so mad, alone, sad......just so upset. I just wish I could take all of her pain away.

But, I know how it feels. I am going to be beside her or in touch with her everyday until she starts to feel better....Help her with cleaning his room, she is moving out of the condo, funeral arrangements... I HATE that she is having to deal with this- it just doesnt seem right. But knowing he is in Heaven, a better place, the place we all live to be...does seem right.

So if you all can keep us in your prayers. This is a tough time....such an array of emotion.

And to add to all this, another dear friend just lost her grandfather, HUGE prayers for her.

Love you~Melissa

My New Pillow

When my mom passed away...we took a couple articles of clothing that we remembered her wearing. We wanted to do something special with them (I kept her favorite jean jacket- something I will be able to wear to remember her) My Aunt Patty made Sean, MeLynda and I these amazing pillows out of her clothes...aren't they awesome! On they back she monogrammed ~Mom 2008. This is something I will always cherish, for this I am so grateful.....I love having reminders around the house, of my mom...now what room in my house goes with purple tye dye?!

Love you Mom, I think about you everyday.
~Melissa

On the road again...

The boys and I are headed back home. We will be visiting family and friends and dealing with some issues concerning my mother.

The same roads I drove a month ago at mid-night- with no idea what life ahead in store ahead...

This is probably going to be hard, seeing my sibling again, after we all have had some time to let my mothers death sink in- revisiting it all together...knowing the same pain, having those vivid memories- dealing with all the legalities that are ahead...Honestly, I haven't dealt with it- but I know the time to is near, I need to soon.

I am very excited to see my older brothers son, that I don't get to see often and celebrate my sister's sons 10th birthday....wow how time flys!

But as I keep saying, thank you to all of you that have been there- I love you and I cannot thank you enough- I am so blessed that the Lord put you in my life, you have taught me so much.

What's up?

I have received some emails about my prayer list - wondering why Chad's mother is listed. On Sunday night, while Chad and I were at a wine tasting party, we got a phone call that Chads mother was in a horrible car accident. So we went home and Chad headed to the emergency room...(I have had my fill of hospitals for this month)- as Chad drove off, I thought Lord- "Whats next, can you send me a hint so I can get ready" As it turned out, she flipped her truck and totalled it-and she wasn't seriously injured, by the grace of God. Thank you all for noticing and checking up on me.

I have been busier the past 3 weeks, more then ever...feeling of range of emotion possible. The bible study I am in has really helped me deal with them. I have had so many people comment on my strength, its not strength- its joy. I think the Lord has been preparing me for this time for awhile, the people He has surrounded me with, the lessons He has been teaching me.Through all of this the one constant emotion I have had is my inner joy. Joy for the time I had with my mother, for the life I have, with knowing she is with our Lord and loved ones, out of pain...and most of all for the relationship I have with the Lord and for the way He has changed me through this experience, I see myself as blessed. So I do feel like I can answer the question of - what's next- with.... I am ready, I am at peace. But, don't get me wrong, I still have alot of really rough times! And, as I keep saying through all of this-is thank you to my dear amazing friends. Thank you for helping me see what unconditional friendship is, for loving me the same when I am strong or weak...and to you Chad, for riding this roller coaster with me!

Sharing my feelings isnt easy, I know I am not posting often, but its so nice to have a couple of entries about this time in my life. Though they are tough to go back and read! I just cannot wait until future posts are happier! Though I know they will be soon...I am planning a baby shower and tomorrow we start shopping for my sisters wedding, good times ahead!

oh and...To a good friend that that is moving soon...we will miss you.
And my other friend who's husband is about to take an important exam, your in my prayers- and I am so glad you visited this week, seeing you- helped- love you.
And YEAH- we made it through and awesome week of VBS, I am SO glad we did it!

X and O's-
~Melissa

My Birthday...

Huge Thank You to alot of you for making a tough day so Special. The cards, E-cards, flower arrangements, donuts, visits, dinner, cake, gifts, calls, text messages, songs sung on my voicemail, surprises on my front porch, emails and prayers......I truly cannot thank you enough. It was a very hard day for me, but I got through and I couldn't have felt more loved. I love and appreciate you all - and I am so grateful that you are a part of my life.
so again, thank you.
~Melissa

I miss you Mom....

So, today we got home from the pool- I was running around the house while our voicemails played on speaker phone, hitting delete then next- as I went to exit my room, I heard my mother....calling me Pudge, thanking me for all the gifts I send her, saying that I am a gift to her and what a good mother I am. I lost it. I want her back, healthy...and here. When I saved that in mid-May, I had no idea what was ahead...that when I replayed it in June, she would not be here.
I miss her so much, not an hour goes by that I dont think about her, or talk to her...... today I got to actually hear her.
Even when I look at the post about my mom passing...it still feels like its not true.
Alot of people have told me, this takes time- that is tough for me. There are days I stay so busy I can't think, then days I cant get out of bed, days I don't mention her and days I can't get her off my mind.

But I wanted to post a poem I read, that really helped me right after my mothers death -
sitting with my mom, struggling about our decisions to let her go, watching her slowing slip away... struggling with how I felt- Id like to think it was my mother speaking to me.


Miss Me But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I dont want a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss Me a little, but not to long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we shared
Miss me, but let me go

For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
Its all part of the Masters Plan
A step on the road home

.......Miss Me But Let Me Go

I love you all. I cant wait until the day I am not in tears and my posts are more cheerful!

~Melissa

Happy Birthday Chad!

Wednesday was Chad's Birthday. So the kids and I surprised him at the restaurant with a cake and gift..we were so excited (and nervous!) Chad said he knew something was up, because I wouldn't answer my phone. He didn't want anyone to know....but we ruined that, didn't we!

Later he left work early to do riding with a friend on their motorcycles. After that Chad and I went out. We had a nice evening together. With the previous weeks, we needed some alone time, or time to celebrate a happy occasion. I think all in all, Chad had a good day....I certainly enjoyed being with him!

My dear Chad,

I hope you realize how much I love and adore you. I love who you are and what you are to me. I always tell you....I know you aren't perfect, but you are "my perfect", you fit me, understand and take care of me- perfectly! I thank the Lord for you everyday. You are my rock, my soul mate, my only. Being married to you the past 12 years has been such a blessing. Thank you for being the husband and father that you are. I am so proud of you and love you so much- Happy Birthday! X&O's

Love, Melissa

Chandler's 10th Birthday Celebration

Wow, I cannot believe Chandler is 10 years old and about to start the 5th grade!

It seems like only yesterday, that I was crying because he was about to start Kindergarten!

Raising Chandler the past 10 years has truly been a joy (most of the time!). He has blessed our lives in so many ways...his wit, huge heart, willingness to help, tender soul, care for Brayden, love for us all, good spirit, brilliant mind, kind ways...I could go on. I couldn't be more proud of him and the little man he is becoming.

Wow, look how much Chandler looks like Bray?!?!

We celebrated the big event all weekend...On Friday morning we went to Lake with two families of friends.

Chandler had a good time trying to catch a fish with the net....though they never caught one! But they were close! Check out his hair that he just got highlighted!

Later that evening we went to the pool with a couple of friends. We didn't get home until 11:30pm and Brayden was excellent! Little party animal!

Saturday morning - Chandlers actual birthday- the marathon started! We rounded up a couple of Chandler's friends and headed to a nearby resort with the Chambers. The boys swam and played volleyball....I couldnt believe how beautiful and fun it was there.

Next we got to go on a boat...They really enjoyed that. Chad let each of the boys drive. I think Brayden's favorite part was the golf cart ride around the resort! Afterwards we had a really nice lunch and played some games at the arcade.

After, we rushed home to meet the sitter to leave again to make it to the 3pm showing of Wall-E...when we got there- the movie was sold out! So we gave Chandler his gift card to Gamestop and went there to shop! All the boys had a great time, trying to spend the $$! Then we had dinner at Red Robin- where they sung to Chandler...he was blushing!

Later, we got to see Wall-E...the boys loved it. Chad and I fell asleep!!

Though Chad and I were worn out, we knew to a bunch of 10 year olds, the night was still young so we went home and made smores in our fire pit....that was a blast. And yes, even though, we all had had plenty of sugar....right before bed, we all sung happy birthday to Chandler one more time and had some Chandler's Bakery cupcakes, Yum!!! And believe it or not, the boys all did great going to bed!

Then on Sunday we had his family birthday party with another cake and made smores again! For planning Chandler birthday weekend, so last minute, it really turned out to be alot of fun. It was exactly what we needed, after the week we had- a celebration with family and friends.

We Love You Chandler!

Happy 10th Birthday!

I still cannot believe we are the parents of a ten year old!

Love you all,

~Melissa

How we are doing...

Many of you have asked, how we are...first let me say thank you. And honestly, its day by day, minute by minute. There are times we are so thankful that my mother is not in pain, that she exited this world with us by her side and at peace with our Lord in heaven - and there are times I am so sad,crying, totally mad at the world and ready to lose it!

But one thing I do know, is we are lucky to have eachother, the good memories and most of all our amazing friends. Every day I receive tons of encouraging cards-that make me cry, yesterday I got another gift and then a good friend came over with 7 frozen meals made by other friends! I cannot thank you all enough, you are the ones getting me through this...you are. You all are truly amazing, you are a gift to me daily. It never fails, every time I get sad, the doorbell or the phone rings-it is such a blessing to know that during a very dark time I am not alone.


The end of last week I was able to focus on Chandlers 10th Birthday...so that helped. Sunday I went to Church, I almost had a panic attack entering! But as usual the Lord and good friends took care of me! This morning I met a friend at the pool and tonight is dinner at another friends.I t's been nice staying busy, those quiet times are really hard. I am still not sleeping, I am hoping that will end soon. The visions of my mother come, every time I shut my eyes. In Feb. we did a bible study titled the Mission of Motherhood- that forced me to do alot of soul searching about Mothering, I had no idea and didnt really really face the fact that I could lose mine. It has certainly hit me harder then I ever imagined.


Chads okay, checking on me alot...pouring into me and the kids...seeing and experiencing what we did, is life changing. Chandler is up and down, he keeps sneaking outside in the garage to look at all my mothers belongings, and crying...and Bray is full of energy and running around silly and crazy!

Heres a couple photos I just found:

ABOVE: This is us, the night after our mom died...we were sharing stories and trying to celebrate her life. We were all doing a peace sign, because thats all my mom ever did...always. We never got her out of the hippie stage!

ABOVE: This picture is at the dinner after the funeral. MeLynda was thanking everyone for coming, sharing some silly stories about our four day slumber party in ICU...and most of all saying how blessed we were in the situation we were given and lucky we are to have such amazing friends and family. (her arms are around my grandfather)

ABOVE: Sean, MeLynda and I giving my Aunt Eileen my mothers jewelry box. Our thank you for staying with us in the hospital during those tough days. I dont know what we have done without out her. We needed her as a nurse, aunt and friend. I am so grateful to her!

ABOVE: This is all of us with my Uncle Paul (on my moms side)- he flew in from Tennessee to be the minister for her funeral. He was just in Ohio 3 weeks earlier visiting my mother. It was such a beautiful blessing having him there and getting to know him better.

ABOVE: After the funeral and dinner, we all went back to my sisters house to share more stories and go through old photos. I truly enjoyed that.

So, I love you all. I cannot thank you enough. You have touched my heart in so many ways. During such a hard time, I am blessed to have you. Everyday I feel the Lord working on me...I can feel your hugs and prayers and I can feel my mother watching over us as well.

~Melissa

Sad News

I debated about writing this. But my blog is a dairy to me, almost therapy, a way of communicating...mainly because I am so horrible at it! Also, I have alot of people I need to talk too and this is an easy way to do it...though I am unsure if it will all make any sense... but here it goes:

On Saturday, June 21st at 3:39pm, my mother, at age 56, took her last breath. She was surrounded by her three children, our husbands, my aunt who is a nurse and her best friend, Peggy. She went peacefully and without pain.

I barely left her side from 8am Wed....on- it was so tough to let go of her even after her death. The four days I had with her were such a blessing, truly God sent. She was unable to move her arms or legs, but she was able to communicate with blinks and an occasional smile, word or laugh. She giggled at all of our jokes, smiled at the music we played, cried after we read to her, laughed at our memories we shared, chuckled at all the photos (that we blew up to 8X10's to show her through her slightly closed eyes) All of these moments we will never forget and we will cherish forever. I was so tired, but I had such energy to pour into her, we all did...she loved it! She loved the slumber parties we had, the stories we told, how we painted her nails her favorite color purple, the pictures and crafts the grandkids made for her, the friends and our kids that talked to her on the phone..though she couldn't respond, she heard everything that was said...

It was a blessed week, but absolutely the toughest week and moments of my life. Seeing my mother 71 pounds, weak and helpless...her sad eyes weeping. Watching her move her mouth thinking she was talking, trying so hard to communicate, struggling to move and muster a sentence. We were saying prayer after prayer trying not to cry- again...seeing my brother and sister cry harder then I have ever seen. Making decisions to end my mothers life/pain...dealing with her horrible ex-boyfriend...caring for her needs, not falling asleep because you are scared her air mask would fall off and if you did, no doubt an alarm would sound for some reason. Hearing stories about my childhood I never knew..watching her struggle and gasp with every breath, wondering if that was it...My stomach was so hungry but I couldn't eat, showering wasn't in the picture, my eyes ached from all the tears, my throat was always full of lumps from crying, my back hurt from the chairs in ICU..but never ever letting go of her frail hand- because we promised, we promised.

I learned so many life changing things....the true meaning of courage, alot about my mother I never knew, how much I loved my siblings, how amazing my husband was when I thought he couldn't get any better, the ache of missing my own boys miles away while my own mother was dying, how strong my older sister is, and how my older brother really aches, how helpful my younger sister can be, how dedicated to my mother and us my aunt was-the strength of family, the pain of being in the receiving line of my own mothers funeral, the importance of all of my awesome friends that took care of me and of my sister at my home with the boys daily, the importance of being a good mother and loving my husband daily, the unconditional and unjudgemental love of Chad, how real death is when you witness someones last breath, the power of prayer and peace...but most of all- life is to short..all of a sudden the big things in life just aren't so big anymore.

Since I have been home, I have felt an array of feelings...but one thing I can say is I am a changed person- wife, mother, friend, and sister. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and complete understanding...you amaze me (and i really didnt have to call anyone!) - from the calls (all hours), cards, gifts, flowers, meals, the visit/talk until 1:30am, love, babysitting, hugs....but most of all the prayers- when she died,when my mother left this earth to be with our Lord in Heaven- I felt your hugs around me and most of all your prayers.

For now, its day by day...trying to handle my emotions and my families- I appreciate my friends and family that are keeping me busy, making sure I keep my head up, watching me for depression, I love you all and I cannot, cannot thank you enough- during a very very hard time, you have shown me what love is, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to you mom, because I know you are watching over me

I love you so much..

right now I can't imagine the day I may stop crying so much

I cant imagine visiting your grave

I cant imagine not being able to call you

I had no idea this would be so hard...

Thank you for all you did do for me,

thank you for a beautiful 4 days

I will miss you every day of my life

Mom, I am so happy for you, that you are in Heaven, living the life you deserve.

Your daughter, Melissa