Happy Birthday Mom

Every Year the Boys and I release a Balloon

into the sky on my moms birthday

...its our way of telling her happy birthday when she isn't here.

 

 

 

Love you mom- this year would have been your 60th birthday. I pray that you are celebrating and dancing in Heaven.

happy birthday mom!

Today is my moms birthday.

So for her day- Brayden sent a birthday balloon up to her.

its was so sweet- as he let go- he yelled - love you, happy birthday, sorry you missed MY party!!

love you mom, i miss you everyday.

My mom

The deed to my mothers home was transferred last week. Today her boyfriend is receiving a letter stating that he must vacate in 3 days.

I have mixed emotions. Sad for him, but happy we are doing what my mother asked. Excited to be in her house, at Christmas, to go through her belongings, to feel a little closer to her and have some momentos. I am very sad and scared, as well, I could cry at the thought of entering her home- yet I smile at knowing I will be doing it with my brother and sister. Worried Jim doesnt destroy or take the things of hers that mean the most to us. Happy to be taking this long awaited step, sad that it kind of makes this all more final...its like I cant wait, yet I am totally dreading it!

Most of all I miss her. I think about her alot. The other day I was making a list of my family and friends - beside it I was writing what I wanted to get them or make them for Christmas. I paused...and thought about my mom- that I wasnt going to be bringing her a gift or mailing her a package- she loved our gifts. So, I wrote Mom down then wreath. I am going to craft a wreath for her grave. I never thought that was what my present to my mother would be...you just dont think that way, but it is. So, this Christmas I get to visit her grave...so leave it up to me to decorate it huh!! And I get to have time in her home- time that is long over due.

I truly believe God has blanketed me with Grace over the years. I am calm in knowing He has this all worked out, each step. I pray that this gives me some closure and strengthens the peace I already feel.

I also pray for my sister and brother and that the house sells quickly!

Happy Birthday Mom!

I wanted to wish my mom a Happy Birthday. Though, you are in Heaven- I am still celebrating you, the life you had and the life you have now. I love you and miss you everyday.

Hugs and Kisses to you Mom,
Melissa

I can't believe Its been a year.

It's been a year since my mother died. This time last year...we walked away from her hospital bed- swollen from tears, in total disbelief. So sad, that she took her last breath- in complete shock. Praying that, despite taking her own life, that she was going Home, to be with the Lord- to her final destination. Wondering the repercussions of the role we played, in ending her life, spiritually and emotionally. Yet feeling good, of the strength I had during those long days- the words and prayers I said. The overwhelming shock and sadness of it all - yet happiness of being there for/with her.

I always thought I would know how I felt on that day...how I would feel now- truly each day is different.

I will never forget- how frail she looked. Her fear yet her courage, assuring me to end her misery. The loud roar she wailed when the priest said you are forgiven of your sins. The last squeeze of my hand she gave me. Her tears, when I prayed. Her nod, when I told her it was okay to go. Her smile, when I told her I forgave her for every wrong doing, most of all- for exiting this life before her time and at her own doing...the still of the world when she took that final breath...walking out of her room without a mother.

I will never forget- Her long hair, Her smile...the peace sign she always gave...her hippie style.
Her handwriting, the way she called me Pudgey, how proud she was of us. How she listened..(until she had something to say), her encouragement...Her love of animals. Our weekly talks and our her monthly packages...her love of tye dye, her spirit, and her love of the Lord. Her jokes that weren't that funny...the way she told the same story over and over, how excited she was when I would send her pictures...and chocolate, our talks, her advice.

I will never forget her, I will never forget that week or day. She taught me alot when she was alive, more during her death and even more after. This past year, has been hard for me- but I am a firm believer in this gracious road the Lord has me on...I feel so blessed, that He loves me so much.

Thank you all for being who you are in my life this past year.
I love you all.
~melissa

Our Trip to Ohio

It was so nice to have Chad with us on this trip! The long drive went by quickly for me...with Chad driving and the boys playing with all their Christmas gifts! We got in around 7- it was so nice to be there on Christmas...we got to see everything Santa brought the kids...including a trip to Disney! My dad and brother were there as well, so that was nice...we all exchanged gifts and stayed up late as usual.

I debated about blogging this...but on Saturday we buried my mom. But I love looking back at entries-history, memories. And it's a good thing!

She was cremated and there were a couple of issues so it was delayed....also, we all wanted to be there. I thought I was prepared for it..thinking it wasn't going to be a big deal. After we left the cemetery's office to handle the money part- we headed to the plot. There were 4 or 5 cars...as we drove, I was thinking wait a minute, its suppose to be simple and quick- I am in the car- a procession, about to bury my mom-it was real. I was so glad we were all there, including her best friend. Just before we got to the plot- my moms friend gave me this angel, I had just sent my mom 2 weeks before she died...it was something I really wanted after her death that her boyfriend kept from me- so needless to say, it meant alot to be holding it during her burial. One of her friends buried her with an angel she brought...I wanted to do that, but I couldn't let go of mine...Now I think I should have?


As we said the prayers and cried...Sean said it perfectly..."rest mom, now you are at peace, exactly what you wanted" That is what she wanted. The hardest part for me to deal with right now, is that she killed herself, was brain dead and we pulled the plug- my own mom, what guilt. But rest and peace is what she wanted...and she won- in a place much better then here!

Sean, Melynda and I after the burial. We love you Mom!

Afterwards we all got to go through a new box of keepsakes of moms that Peggy brought us. Lots of letters I wrote to her as a child..more photos. Every mothers day for the past 5 years-I would send her a book with a letter inside...I got all those back. Glad we have something, to have..to go through together.

Later that day, we got to go see the girls cheer lead- that was alot of fun. After was my families Christmas Party...and much more.

...and a HUGE Congrats to my cousin Jody, who is ENGAGED!

And to my Cousin Frank Congratulations on the birth of Sadie, isnt she cute...she looks just like Frank!

Also, another Congratulations to my cousin Tess (Franks Sister) who is pregnant!

So much to be Thankful for!

My Aunt Patty had a great idea...She had pics printed of my Grandfather playing Notre Dame basketball- the year he was captain. So everyone stood in line and got his autograph...it was the coolest thing! Chad and Chandler got one.

So at the party we normally have a gift exchange....everyone brought gifts- but they were for a surprise 50th for my aunt Eileen. The Theme was that she was our angel on Earth. Honestly, she really is...


We all got her a gift, with a letter stating why she is our angel in our lives..



First Melynda spoke...we got her Jewelry to put in the jewelry box we gave her that was my mothers. She was our ANGEL...she barely left our side, knowing our history with my mom- she talked to us, gave us strength- being a nurse, she cared for her...I will never forget when they moved my mom from ICU to a regular room, knowing it was for her to die...seeing my aunt take my moms gown of to bathe her, when she was in her last breaths she explained the process to us- guiding our fears...as soon as she died- she cleaned her up, took all her masks and tubes out- so they we could look at HER, the real her- I have no idea what we all would have done without her.
(in the pic, the kids came running, they hate to see Melynda cry...)

To my dad, she helped him when he was hospitalized with his heart condition- she dropped her life, her job, everything and came to PA to care for him- He also thanked her, with tears, on the day his children buried their mom...for that, for being with us, during that tough week.

My Uncle Tom thanked her for her care during his recent heart attack...He was so close to death, thank the Lord he is still here. My aunt Eileen cared for him days after being released from his triple bi pass- calmed my aunts fears...yet again an angel.

Here is my Uncle John, and Cousins John and Katie...this day was the 3 year anniversary of my Aunt Theresas Death. She died of cancer- right after Bray was born, she was my Godmother. My aunt Eileen cared for her, John and the kids, during her long battle with the disease. She died right after Christmas, while were all there- I was so blessed to have been able to say bye, the night before....and even more, for my Aunt Eileen. I cried, we all miss Theresa, and now I know how losing your Mother, feels...

What an amazing selfless angel my aunt Eileen is, we are all so blessed to have her. I just sit in awe, of how awesome my family is. Sean, Melynda and I dont know what we would have done without Eileen or my entire family that week- and always...we love you Aunt Eileen- Happy 50th Birthday!

So much going on - you almost feel like you are on a rollercoaster...But gosh am I blessed!


Love you all, Merry Christmas~Melissa

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today would have been my mothers 57th birthday. She loved birthdays...so I am sure she is celebrating in Heaven.

Its a really rough day for me. I miss her, I miss her voice, her laughter from my silly stories, her encouragement. I missed her call to tell Brayden happy birthday...I miss sending my goody package to her, her birthday package was the most fun for her and I.

Chad brought home some purple and white flowers in honor of my mother, they are beautiful. I put them in the vase, that held the flowers at the funeral that said "mother". I hope she can see them.



The past two weeks have been my worst, coming to terms with alot. The realization that mother took her own life. Because of Gods grace, she was revived and had her last week, which was amazing.... with us. The Lord didn't let her die, alone, on her kitchen floor. I am also coming to terms with her exit, the decisions we had to make as her children-letting her go and the image of her last breath. Praying everyday that she is in Heaven, hating the feeling of not being sure. There are alot of other in and outs to it all, but day by day I am dealing with it, some tougher then others.

The crazy thing is, I have learned to appreciate Gods goodness, to be grateful for everyday...I feel more blessed and grateful then I ever have...It is so amazing how He works.


I have learned so many lessons in this past year. The Lord has certainly taken me on a road. Though I wish my mom were still here, I am so grateful to Him for taking her out of her pain.

I love you all and I thank you for being the amazing people you are,
~Melissa

I love you Pocahontas (mom!) , Happy Birthday! Love Pudge

My New Pillow

When my mom passed away...we took a couple articles of clothing that we remembered her wearing. We wanted to do something special with them (I kept her favorite jean jacket- something I will be able to wear to remember her) My Aunt Patty made Sean, MeLynda and I these amazing pillows out of her clothes...aren't they awesome! On they back she monogrammed ~Mom 2008. This is something I will always cherish, for this I am so grateful.....I love having reminders around the house, of my mom...now what room in my house goes with purple tye dye?!

Love you Mom, I think about you everyday.
~Melissa

What's up?

I have received some emails about my prayer list - wondering why Chad's mother is listed. On Sunday night, while Chad and I were at a wine tasting party, we got a phone call that Chads mother was in a horrible car accident. So we went home and Chad headed to the emergency room...(I have had my fill of hospitals for this month)- as Chad drove off, I thought Lord- "Whats next, can you send me a hint so I can get ready" As it turned out, she flipped her truck and totalled it-and she wasn't seriously injured, by the grace of God. Thank you all for noticing and checking up on me.

I have been busier the past 3 weeks, more then ever...feeling of range of emotion possible. The bible study I am in has really helped me deal with them. I have had so many people comment on my strength, its not strength- its joy. I think the Lord has been preparing me for this time for awhile, the people He has surrounded me with, the lessons He has been teaching me.Through all of this the one constant emotion I have had is my inner joy. Joy for the time I had with my mother, for the life I have, with knowing she is with our Lord and loved ones, out of pain...and most of all for the relationship I have with the Lord and for the way He has changed me through this experience, I see myself as blessed. So I do feel like I can answer the question of - what's next- with.... I am ready, I am at peace. But, don't get me wrong, I still have alot of really rough times! And, as I keep saying through all of this-is thank you to my dear amazing friends. Thank you for helping me see what unconditional friendship is, for loving me the same when I am strong or weak...and to you Chad, for riding this roller coaster with me!

Sharing my feelings isnt easy, I know I am not posting often, but its so nice to have a couple of entries about this time in my life. Though they are tough to go back and read! I just cannot wait until future posts are happier! Though I know they will be soon...I am planning a baby shower and tomorrow we start shopping for my sisters wedding, good times ahead!

oh and...To a good friend that that is moving soon...we will miss you.
And my other friend who's husband is about to take an important exam, your in my prayers- and I am so glad you visited this week, seeing you- helped- love you.
And YEAH- we made it through and awesome week of VBS, I am SO glad we did it!

X and O's-
~Melissa

I miss you Mom....

So, today we got home from the pool- I was running around the house while our voicemails played on speaker phone, hitting delete then next- as I went to exit my room, I heard my mother....calling me Pudge, thanking me for all the gifts I send her, saying that I am a gift to her and what a good mother I am. I lost it. I want her back, healthy...and here. When I saved that in mid-May, I had no idea what was ahead...that when I replayed it in June, she would not be here.
I miss her so much, not an hour goes by that I dont think about her, or talk to her...... today I got to actually hear her.
Even when I look at the post about my mom passing...it still feels like its not true.
Alot of people have told me, this takes time- that is tough for me. There are days I stay so busy I can't think, then days I cant get out of bed, days I don't mention her and days I can't get her off my mind.

But I wanted to post a poem I read, that really helped me right after my mothers death -
sitting with my mom, struggling about our decisions to let her go, watching her slowing slip away... struggling with how I felt- Id like to think it was my mother speaking to me.


Miss Me But Let Me Go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I dont want a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss Me a little, but not to long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we shared
Miss me, but let me go

For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
Its all part of the Masters Plan
A step on the road home

.......Miss Me But Let Me Go

I love you all. I cant wait until the day I am not in tears and my posts are more cheerful!

~Melissa

How we are doing...

Many of you have asked, how we are...first let me say thank you. And honestly, its day by day, minute by minute. There are times we are so thankful that my mother is not in pain, that she exited this world with us by her side and at peace with our Lord in heaven - and there are times I am so sad,crying, totally mad at the world and ready to lose it!

But one thing I do know, is we are lucky to have eachother, the good memories and most of all our amazing friends. Every day I receive tons of encouraging cards-that make me cry, yesterday I got another gift and then a good friend came over with 7 frozen meals made by other friends! I cannot thank you all enough, you are the ones getting me through this...you are. You all are truly amazing, you are a gift to me daily. It never fails, every time I get sad, the doorbell or the phone rings-it is such a blessing to know that during a very dark time I am not alone.


The end of last week I was able to focus on Chandlers 10th Birthday...so that helped. Sunday I went to Church, I almost had a panic attack entering! But as usual the Lord and good friends took care of me! This morning I met a friend at the pool and tonight is dinner at another friends.I t's been nice staying busy, those quiet times are really hard. I am still not sleeping, I am hoping that will end soon. The visions of my mother come, every time I shut my eyes. In Feb. we did a bible study titled the Mission of Motherhood- that forced me to do alot of soul searching about Mothering, I had no idea and didnt really really face the fact that I could lose mine. It has certainly hit me harder then I ever imagined.


Chads okay, checking on me alot...pouring into me and the kids...seeing and experiencing what we did, is life changing. Chandler is up and down, he keeps sneaking outside in the garage to look at all my mothers belongings, and crying...and Bray is full of energy and running around silly and crazy!

Heres a couple photos I just found:

ABOVE: This is us, the night after our mom died...we were sharing stories and trying to celebrate her life. We were all doing a peace sign, because thats all my mom ever did...always. We never got her out of the hippie stage!

ABOVE: This picture is at the dinner after the funeral. MeLynda was thanking everyone for coming, sharing some silly stories about our four day slumber party in ICU...and most of all saying how blessed we were in the situation we were given and lucky we are to have such amazing friends and family. (her arms are around my grandfather)

ABOVE: Sean, MeLynda and I giving my Aunt Eileen my mothers jewelry box. Our thank you for staying with us in the hospital during those tough days. I dont know what we have done without out her. We needed her as a nurse, aunt and friend. I am so grateful to her!

ABOVE: This is all of us with my Uncle Paul (on my moms side)- he flew in from Tennessee to be the minister for her funeral. He was just in Ohio 3 weeks earlier visiting my mother. It was such a beautiful blessing having him there and getting to know him better.

ABOVE: After the funeral and dinner, we all went back to my sisters house to share more stories and go through old photos. I truly enjoyed that.

So, I love you all. I cannot thank you enough. You have touched my heart in so many ways. During such a hard time, I am blessed to have you. Everyday I feel the Lord working on me...I can feel your hugs and prayers and I can feel my mother watching over us as well.

~Melissa

Sad News

I debated about writing this. But my blog is a dairy to me, almost therapy, a way of communicating...mainly because I am so horrible at it! Also, I have alot of people I need to talk too and this is an easy way to do it...though I am unsure if it will all make any sense... but here it goes:

On Saturday, June 21st at 3:39pm, my mother, at age 56, took her last breath. She was surrounded by her three children, our husbands, my aunt who is a nurse and her best friend, Peggy. She went peacefully and without pain.

I barely left her side from 8am Wed....on- it was so tough to let go of her even after her death. The four days I had with her were such a blessing, truly God sent. She was unable to move her arms or legs, but she was able to communicate with blinks and an occasional smile, word or laugh. She giggled at all of our jokes, smiled at the music we played, cried after we read to her, laughed at our memories we shared, chuckled at all the photos (that we blew up to 8X10's to show her through her slightly closed eyes) All of these moments we will never forget and we will cherish forever. I was so tired, but I had such energy to pour into her, we all did...she loved it! She loved the slumber parties we had, the stories we told, how we painted her nails her favorite color purple, the pictures and crafts the grandkids made for her, the friends and our kids that talked to her on the phone..though she couldn't respond, she heard everything that was said...

It was a blessed week, but absolutely the toughest week and moments of my life. Seeing my mother 71 pounds, weak and helpless...her sad eyes weeping. Watching her move her mouth thinking she was talking, trying so hard to communicate, struggling to move and muster a sentence. We were saying prayer after prayer trying not to cry- again...seeing my brother and sister cry harder then I have ever seen. Making decisions to end my mothers life/pain...dealing with her horrible ex-boyfriend...caring for her needs, not falling asleep because you are scared her air mask would fall off and if you did, no doubt an alarm would sound for some reason. Hearing stories about my childhood I never knew..watching her struggle and gasp with every breath, wondering if that was it...My stomach was so hungry but I couldn't eat, showering wasn't in the picture, my eyes ached from all the tears, my throat was always full of lumps from crying, my back hurt from the chairs in ICU..but never ever letting go of her frail hand- because we promised, we promised.

I learned so many life changing things....the true meaning of courage, alot about my mother I never knew, how much I loved my siblings, how amazing my husband was when I thought he couldn't get any better, the ache of missing my own boys miles away while my own mother was dying, how strong my older sister is, and how my older brother really aches, how helpful my younger sister can be, how dedicated to my mother and us my aunt was-the strength of family, the pain of being in the receiving line of my own mothers funeral, the importance of all of my awesome friends that took care of me and of my sister at my home with the boys daily, the importance of being a good mother and loving my husband daily, the unconditional and unjudgemental love of Chad, how real death is when you witness someones last breath, the power of prayer and peace...but most of all- life is to short..all of a sudden the big things in life just aren't so big anymore.

Since I have been home, I have felt an array of feelings...but one thing I can say is I am a changed person- wife, mother, friend, and sister. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and complete understanding...you amaze me (and i really didnt have to call anyone!) - from the calls (all hours), cards, gifts, flowers, meals, the visit/talk until 1:30am, love, babysitting, hugs....but most of all the prayers- when she died,when my mother left this earth to be with our Lord in Heaven- I felt your hugs around me and most of all your prayers.

For now, its day by day...trying to handle my emotions and my families- I appreciate my friends and family that are keeping me busy, making sure I keep my head up, watching me for depression, I love you all and I cannot, cannot thank you enough- during a very very hard time, you have shown me what love is, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to you mom, because I know you are watching over me

I love you so much..

right now I can't imagine the day I may stop crying so much

I cant imagine visiting your grave

I cant imagine not being able to call you

I had no idea this would be so hard...

Thank you for all you did do for me,

thank you for a beautiful 4 days

I will miss you every day of my life

Mom, I am so happy for you, that you are in Heaven, living the life you deserve.

Your daughter, Melissa

Happy Mother's Day!

I wanted to wish you all a happy mother's day! So many of you are amazing, teaching me new things everyday...so with that I hope you all had the wonderful day you deserve, I love you and thank you.

Mother's Day for me was very special-a quiet day of relaxation, counting my blessings, prayer and reflection.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother, and a thank you to all you for your prayers.