It's been a year since my mother died. This time last year...we walked away from her hospital bed- swollen from tears, in total disbelief. So sad, that she took her last breath- in complete shock. Praying that, despite taking her own life, that she was going Home, to be with the Lord- to her final destination. Wondering the repercussions of the role we played, in ending her life, spiritually and emotionally. Yet feeling good, of the strength I had during those long days- the words and prayers I said. The overwhelming shock and sadness of it all - yet happiness of being there for/with her.
I always thought I would know how I felt on that day...how I would feel now- truly each day is different.
I will never forget- how frail she looked. Her fear yet her courage, assuring me to end her misery. The loud roar she wailed when the priest said you are forgiven of your sins. The last squeeze of my hand she gave me. Her tears, when I prayed. Her nod, when I told her it was okay to go. Her smile, when I told her I forgave her for every wrong doing, most of all- for exiting this life before her time and at her own doing...the still of the world when she took that final breath...walking out of her room without a mother.
I will never forget- Her long hair, Her smile...the peace sign she always gave...her hippie style.
Her handwriting, the way she called me Pudgey, how proud she was of us. How she listened..(until she had something to say), her encouragement...Her love of animals. Our weekly talks and our her monthly packages...her love of tye dye, her spirit, and her love of the Lord. Her jokes that weren't that funny...the way she told the same story over and over, how excited she was when I would send her pictures...and chocolate, our talks, her advice.
I will never forget her, I will never forget that week or day. She taught me alot when she was alive, more during her death and even more after. This past year, has been hard for me- but I am a firm believer in this gracious road the Lord has me on...I feel so blessed, that He loves me so much.
Thank you all for being who you are in my life this past year.
I love you all.
~melissa
