On Saturday, June 21st at 3:39pm, my mother, at age 56, took her last breath. She was surrounded by her three children, our husbands, my aunt who is a nurse and her best friend, Peggy. She went peacefully and without pain.
I barely left her side from 8am Wed....on- it was so tough to let go of her even after her death. The four days I had with her were such a blessing, truly God sent. She was unable to move her arms or legs, but she was able to communicate with blinks and an occasional smile, word or laugh. She giggled at all of our jokes, smiled at the music we played, cried after we read to her, laughed at our memories we shared, chuckled at all the photos (that we blew up to 8X10's to show her through her slightly closed eyes) All of these moments we will never forget and we will cherish forever. I was so tired, but I had such energy to pour into her, we all did...she loved it! She loved the slumber parties we had, the stories we told, how we painted her nails her favorite color purple, the pictures and crafts the grandkids made for her, the friends and our kids that talked to her on the phone..though she couldn't respond, she heard everything that was said...
It was a blessed week, but absolutely the toughest week and moments of my life. Seeing my mother 71 pounds, weak and helpless...her sad eyes weeping. Watching her move her mouth thinking she was talking, trying so hard to communicate, struggling to move and muster a sentence. We were saying prayer after prayer trying not to cry- again...seeing my brother and sister cry harder then I have ever seen. Making decisions to end my mothers life/pain...dealing with her horrible ex-boyfriend...caring for her needs, not falling asleep because you are scared her air mask would fall off and if you did, no doubt an alarm would sound for some reason. Hearing stories about my childhood I never knew..watching her struggle and gasp with every breath, wondering if that was it...My stomach was so hungry but I couldn't eat, showering wasn't in the picture, my eyes ached from all the tears, my throat was always full of lumps from crying, my back hurt from the chairs in ICU..but never ever letting go of her frail hand- because we promised, we promised.
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I learned so many life changing things....the true meaning of courage, alot about my mother I never knew, how much I loved my siblings, how amazing my husband was when I thought he couldn't get any better, the ache of missing my own boys miles away while my own mother was dying, how strong my older sister is, and how my older brother really aches, how helpful my younger sister can be, how dedicated to my mother and us my aunt was-the strength of family, the pain of being in the receiving line of my own mothers funeral, the importance of all of my awesome friends that took care of me and of my sister at my home with the boys daily, the importance of being a good mother and loving my husband daily, the unconditional and unjudgemental love of Chad, how real death is when you witness someones last breath, the power of prayer and peace...but most of all- life is to short..all of a sudden the big things in life just aren't so big anymore.
Since I have been home, I have felt an array of feelings...but one thing I can say is I am a changed person- wife, mother, friend, and sister. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support and complete understanding...you amaze me (and i really didnt have to call anyone!) - from the calls (all hours), cards, gifts, flowers, meals, the visit/talk until 1:30am, love, babysitting, hugs....but most of all the prayers- when she died,when my mother left this earth to be with our Lord in Heaven- I felt your hugs around me and most of all your prayers.
For now, its day by day...trying to handle my emotions and my families- I appreciate my friends and family that are keeping me busy, making sure I keep my head up, watching me for depression, I love you all and I cannot, cannot thank you enough- during a very very hard time, you have shown me what love is, thank you, thank you, thank you.
And to you mom, because I know you are watching over me
I love you so much..
right now I can't imagine the day I may stop crying so much
I cant imagine visiting your grave
I cant imagine not being able to call you
I had no idea this would be so hard...
Thank you for all you did do for me,
thank you for a beautiful 4 days
I will miss you every day of my life
Mom, I am so happy for you, that you are in Heaven, living the life you deserve.
Your daughter, Melissa
